In today's world, this is more likely a future possibility than not…the time will come when, just like my parents had to adjust to bringing me home as a newborn, I will have to adjust to bringing them home as an elderly member of my family. Where they faced endless days of diaper changing and changing my clothes, I will likely be doing the same on a slightly larger child. The patience they needed to feed and bathe me even when I didn’t want what was being served or to wash my hair; I will also need patience as I try to navigate this new world of caring for them in their final days.
Right now, we are a small family of three: my husband, my son, and myself. It will be a huge change to add another member to our household. My son will have to share a bathroom that he has always had to himself. Our dinner routines will likely become more scheduled than they have been before. The shows we watch on TV at different times will likely change so that everyone has a chance to enjoy this pastime. Perhaps work schedules will even need to be adjusted to accommodate care needs or doctor appointments.
Not every family looks like mine, and I understand that. There are single-parent households where there may not be the flexibility to accommodate caring for another family member. Instead of changing work schedules the single parent may have to take the entire day off of work. They may not be able to adjust their schedules as easily or have the support of a two-parent household during this time.
A household made up of people from the LGBT community may find it difficult to incorporate elderly family members into their home because of the lack of acceptance of the relationship by the elderly family member. This may create tension as the family member is being brought into the home. Acceptance from all is going to be a big part of the adjustment, and it will be critical for lines of communication to remain open at all times.
Finally, some elderly patients may find themselves moving into a family of what is known as fictive kin, or nonblood family. The friends who become family, who take in the elderly patient and care for them as their own. This adjustment might seem all sweet and loving from the outside. However, this family structure will likely be the cause of the greatest level of change acceptance. The family in this situation is bringing in an “outsider” to their home and everything will be changing on an extreme level.
Because males and females have differing family roles and can view change differently, it is important that we have difficult discussions with everyone involved BEFORE the transition begins (Cheng et al., 2019).
What do we need to consider when bringing an Older Adult into our home?
Questions everyone should ask:
Will the new family member have any special needs?
A walk-in shower? A raised toilet seat? A hospital bed?
What expectations does the new family member have about the move?
A private room? Their own TV?
Where in the home will the older adult be able to call theirs?
A private bedroom or shared? A private bathroom or shared?
What are the expected privacy rules for all family members?
Can a lock be safely put on the doors to their bedroom or bathroom?
How much does the new family member wish to participate in current family activities?
Dinners? Family outings? Grandchildren's sporting events and practices?
What will the responsibilities of all family members be once the older member moves in?
Dishes? Sweeping? Vacuuming? Taking out the garbage?
Will there need to be any changes to the home environment to make it safe for the new family member?
Ramps? Nightlights? Walk-in showers? Raised toilet seats?
Are there any differences in sleeping patterns or social activities that will need to be addressed when the older family member arrives?
Early bedtimes? Night owls? Early risers?
Does the new family member have any specific skills or talents that can help the household?
A gourmet chef? A great storyteller? (might be helpful at bedtime!)
Are there any community resources available to help the family adjust to this new living situation?
Adult daycares? Senior centers? Support groups?
How does EVERYONE in the family feel about this change?
Excited? Nervous? Angry? Upset? Displaced?
What adjustments might need to be made:
Arrangements for adult day care or senior activities if the older family member is unable to stay home alone.
In what ways can you encourage the new family member to stay active and in contact with friends and or members of their own generation?
Set a schedule for the family member to be able to visit with other family members.
Can private or semi-private living quarters be created prior to the move?
There WILL be Conflict…What can you expect:
Childcare – just because a grandparent lives in the home does not make them the automatic babysitter. Make sure you find a balance.
Vacations – who goes and who stays? Will it be the same for every trip?
Chores – who will do what? While you cannot expect older adults to do too much, they may feel useless and become depressed if not allowed to do anything. Again, find a balance.
Possessions – the older adult is going to have possessions that they want to keep with them, a favorite chair, a lamp, or a footstool – it may not go with the home décor – plan ahead and decide what is really important to them ahead of time.
Childrearing – this is where “what happens at grandmas stays at grandmas” cannot happen! You are likely going to have different views – set boundaries.
Budget – yes – taking on a new family member means the home budget is going to change – to increase – how will the new family member help with this – what are the expectations for both parties?
Entertainment – when will everyone be included – when will the older family member be excluded? Will the new family member always have the choice to participate?
Personal space – someone may have had to give up their room or their private bathroom – what accommodations are being made, and what are the expectations for privacy?
How can we DECREASE the Conflict before it starts:
Make sure everyone agrees to always respect each other’s privacy!
This will be especially important for small children to allow the older adult some privacy.
Also, if the older adult has some adult company – they may need privacy that no one wants to walk in on!
This is OKAY, but we MUST be respectful of each other's privacy!
Plan ahead for private space and maintain it!
Locks come in really handy! Signs that say do not disturb if locks are not an option.
Plan ahead for personal possessions and or furniture – where will it be placed in the home?
Is there room for their favorite recliner in the family living room?
Would they prefer it in their private bedroom? What will make them feel MOST welcome?
Always keep communication open especially when considering social events
– make sure to discuss who is invited and when so that feelings are not hurt!
No one wants to feel left out – but sometimes our day-to-day activities can be too much for the older adult!
Make them feel welcome – but always give them the opportunity to decline as well.
Make sure everyone in the household has clearly defined roles for completing household tasks
– based on their ability.
IF the older adult CAN help – LET THEM!!! They still need to feel a sense of purpose!
But they are not there to be the live-in maid either…find an agreed-upon balance!
This may need to change as time goes on – THAT IS OKAY – just remember to communicate!
Make a household budget that includes the older adult contributing (if able)
so that they feel included in managing the household.
Stick to the budget!
If possible – put this in writing!
Finances can be a sticky subject – so make sure these lines are clearly defined ahead of time!
The bottom line is that this lifestyle change is a possibility for many of us – both young and old. Intergenerational interactions are a critical part of developing who we are as people and as families – and this opportunity to care for a loved one in their old age is something that can be seen as a way to encourage this interaction between the older family members and the youngest generation (Wagner & Luger, 2020). Aging is a reality for all of us…it happens… let's get through it together!
References:
Cheng, G. H., Ang, S., & Chan, A.
(2019). Patterns of family support exchange and personal mastery in later life:
a longitudinal study. Aging and Mental Health/Aging & Mental Health,
25(4), 686–694. https://doi.org/10.1080/13607863.2019.1701627
Wagner, L. S., & Luger,
T. M. (2020). Generation to generation: effects of intergenerational
interactions on attitudes. Educational Gerontology, 47(1), 1–12. https://doi.org/10.1080/03601277.2020.1847392
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